Thump - thump.

Thump - thump.

Thump... Thump......... Thump.......................

.... Can you feel it...?

Wet, dark fingers stretching from the pitch-black hole in the back of your mind. They embrace your brain and pour like acid through its lobes, making the little hairs in your neck tickle. A seizure speeds through your whole body and you feel your back tense, muscles and tendons contracting over your spine in an outburst of agony.

They’re cold, so cold... and the frosty path they trace on your skin twists and swirls and lingers in your face more than it should. That heavy weight in the pit of your stomach. Lurking. Waiting. Can’t breath. It stalks you from the back of your dry throath, from where your voice is supposed to be. Try to swallow, just to find your larynge is closed. Can’t breath!

And ohmygod, your heart is pounding so fast you’re going to drown in your own blood, your arteries threatening to tear open at every beat. It fucking burns. You touch your chest... how can your skin be icing cold if your inside is sizzling hot? You let out a feeble breath and it’s like fire coming out of your lungs, cooking your trachea’s mucosa and tearing off the roof of your mouth and your nose and your eyes. Your stomach howls revenge and the acid rises to your tongue, when you feel you’re falling... and you never hit the floor. Or maybe you do? Gravity’s been suck from around you and you can’t tell anymore if it’s up or down. Another churn in your stomach, your esophagus contracts and you fight to spit bile.

Sparkling bolts get shot everywhere, and you launch your hands up, grasping the air desperately only to find there’s nowhere you can hold to. There are two hudred nervous terminations in each skin centimetre. And each one of them is sending screams of pain to your brain. I’m dying. No, you’re not. I wish I was. You don’t believe that, do you?

You lie there, sprawled on the floor. The carpet crawls around your skin, sharp and invasive. Your organs are melting, you’re sure, and you look at the ceiling trying to focus until your eyes hurt, but it keeps spinning in a dizzling twister of colours and forms. The urge to puke increases and soon you’re choking on your own vomit, as the retching convulses your chest. Its smell grabs your nostrils at the same time shame strikes your brain. Fuck. Fuck.

Soon there will be nowhere to escape... No. No. Won’t find me. Won’t let ‘em. In a desperate attempt, you turn over and put your hands on the floor, trying to lift up your almost lifeless body. So... heavy... But one of your arms screams in pain and suddenly you’re face down against hard wood. You hear a cracking noise and you aren’t entirely sure if it’s been your nose or your wrist or your head, because a death-like numbness has taken over. You look at your treacherous limb, and feel the blood dripping softly from your nose, mixing with your thrown up and bathing your face and your clothes. You wet your finger in it and the light sends you a reddish reflection. In the semi-darkness, it actually does look like rubies...

And in that moment you realize how alone you are. Alone. Empty and hollow, like your soul. Your soul? You’re not even sure you have one... Because right now inside of you there seems to be only wrath and grudge. No one has even come, or rung. And face it.... face it... why should they? You’re despicable, an angry little man with megalomaniac behavior and trust issues and an ego so big it doesn’t fit the room. Where are your witty remarks now? Your self confidence? You’re just like the rest. Just as weak, just as useless... The only difference is that you know. That’s why you try to fight back. So lame...

Who could love you? They just want to regain the little power you’ve got over their sorry little lifes. Who would mind? They couldn’t care less. All of those squirmy people, living in hard feathered burrows, running, writhing, shouting, wriggling through thoughts and dreams, messing with their minds, with your mind... so easy, so damn futile and wrong and right and not your fault. And you’re not even here, you’re far, far away, where they daren’t touch you, where their noises become just muffled sounds... but the pain goes with you and it’s like climbing a staircase which never ends... until it becomes a giant slide.... and you end up right where it all begins. Right where it all ends...

        Shhhhh..... What? And you must be hallucinating, because your eyes open abruptly and chocolate coloured eyes dive in them, and for a second everything is all right.... He’s come. He’s here. He’s home. Your fallen angel with paper wings and a broken heart. Your outright savior with fluttering hope. The only one... who knows... what it’s like... A stab of pain in your chest, and you feel you heart rate slow down... lulling you to sleep...

        “...Can you feel it....?” your whisper sounds raspy and weak... but you know he’s heard you, because he leans his head towards you and you can see each tiny hair sway like they’re in the water, ingravid and soft. You know they’re soft. You’ve touched them. “... Now we’re fine.... I forgive you...” And you know he’s heard you, because his lips open in an understanding smile that enlightens your world as he nods. You know you’re safe. When the smile is there, you’re always safe...

        He stretches his arms wide open to hug you, a concerned look in those dark seas that make you think about brownies and sugar and spice and everything nice. For a second, the weight in the pit of your stomach disappears... and it’s a warm summer night with takeout food, beer and happiness once more...

        And then it’s all blurry and the light disappears. No. Don’t go. Don’t leave me alone, not again... As you see his silhouette fading, you notice a small wet path caressing your cheek. The tear tastes salty and bitter in your chapped lips, and you can’t help but notice everything is... you are.... afraid for the first time in your life... broken... hurt.... not anymore... And....

        ... Memories of everything that was... is... and.... will... be.... are...... lost...........

        Thump.